being the good and recognizing the bad.

There are always horrible and heartbreaking things going on in this world.  The Boston Marathon bombing, so much senseless murder and violence.  Something that has caught my attention the past 2 weeks and I can't stop reading about is the House of Horrors Abortion Clinic trials.

Maybe it is the nurse in me or maybe the Criminology obsessed Sociologist.  What happened at that clinic and how is appalling.  I am not suggesting you read it all in detail but it is important to know that things like this happen and why abortions and especially late term abortions are so dangerous and inappropriate.  Also it is a glimpse into the desperation that illegals and minors feel and what few resources they think are available to them. 

I'm not going to go into a political rant on the above issues or what I think should be done, why Planned Parenthood is better than other options, etc...  I have my opinions and you have yours, but I think it is important for people to be aware of what is going on in the world around them and hopefully recognize that the best changes start with us, the people.

And because I love this and it has been especially applicable...

Harderst Thing Ever...

Question #6:  What is the Hardest thing you have ever experienced?

This is a tough question to answer.  I am not sure what the hardest thing I have ever done is (and I am sure harder things will come my way) but this is the story of one of the hardest lessons I had to learn.

Not getting into nursing school after applying 3 years in a row was extremely frustrating. It was the middle of the Spring semester of 2004 and I was holding another rejection letter, tears starting to spill.  I was so mad!  I had excellent letters of recommendation, had taken every possible pre-requisite and passed, and was finishing my 3rd year of school at USU. 

I got into my car, turned on my CD player which currently held the EFY 2003 "Look and Live" CD, and drove up and down Logan Canyon for about an hour.  The music chilled me out and I started thinking about my options.  I drove to the other end of the valley to the Tech school to see what their requisites were for their LPN nursing program. I decided to take the 2 pre-reqs I was missing for their program in a go at your own pace class.  I was so busy but determined to apply before the deadline for their next semester.  So amongst Institute Council, Institute Choir, a full semester load and working night shift as a CNA full time I knew I had to crank through the classes fast and get them out of the way.  I finished in 2 weeks. Then I applied to their program feeling really good about the whole thing.  Another rejection letter with a waiting list number I knew would never be called.  I went into that summer wondering what on earth I was supposed to do next.  I thought about and applied to UVSC.  I knew in my heart that if I moved down to Orem to go to school I would get in the nursing program.  I was so stubborn though and refused to leave my beloved Utah State. 

I realized that I would be graduating from Weber instead of Utah State anyway when I got into the nursing program (if I ever got in) so I changed my USU major to Psychology and then to Anthropology.  I took a whole bunch of random credits in Fall of 2004 for kicks.  I thought about my Medical Sociology class and how much I enjoyed it and how working for the Center of Disease Control could be pretty awesome.  I learned that I had 33 credits to go to complete a Sociology degree and only a few required USU credits left so I signed on up.  My roommate Elise was looking for a major as well so we got started, determined to graduate by the end of 2006.

The first day of Juvenile Delinquency I was sold.  I loved everything about Sociology.  I love my professors and all of my classes and met amazing people during my 3 semesters of Sociology classes.  I joined ASUSU and was the secretary for the Diversity Committee.  I had amazing roommates, neighbors, and friends and watched a lot of awesome Aggie Basketball.  I don't regret my decision to not go to UVSC even though a part of me knew I was still supposed to go to nursing school.  During my final semester I applied to the nursing program again, and also for fun to the Tech school's program again.  Another rejection from Weber.  I was furious.  But then came an acceptance from Bridgerland Applied Tech school.  I was to start in July 2006.  That year of LPN school was challenging and exciting.  I became my class president and love every single person from that class.

So what was so hard for me here?  It was hard to accept that my "plan" for school (2 years of pre-reqs followed by 2 years of nursing school) wasn't to be.  It was hard to follow promptings to do things, to submit to a greater will than my own.  It was hard to change my mind about the nursing profession I had decided on in ninth grade and pick a major I had never even heard of.  But it was worth the extra time, the extra money, stress, and sacrifice.  I am a better nurse because of being a Sociologist.  Some of my best friendships on earth were cultivated during that time period in college.  Is there a part of me that wonders what my life would be like if I had transferred to UVSC?  Of course! I could be married, or have been a nurse in an Emergency Room by now.  Or my life could be the essentially the same.  \

There was a recent episode of Grey's Anatomy where Merideth dreams about the "What Ifs"?  All of the characters were with someone else or in different situations, but by the end of the episode each character was drawn to the person or situation they were a part of in real life.  Maybe the path we take isn't what we thought, but I think we probably all end up where we need to be, even if some of the choices we make along the way aren't the right ones at the time.

It was a hard lesson to learn and understand but I am a better person because of it.

my S.A.N.E. week

Last week was long and interesting.  A little emotionally draining, but good too.  Last week I had a class to become a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (S.A.N.E.)...am I insane for doing this?  Maybe, only time will tell. 

Once upon a time in nursing school we had to attend some sort of nursing conference.  A group of us chose the International Association of Forensic Nursing conference that happened to be held in SLC that year.  I was immediately fascinated by the idea of becoming a forensic nurse.  One of the first steps is to become a S.A.N.E.- A (Adolescent/Adult).  So finally I qualified this year to take the class. 

First I had 18 hours of interactive DVD modules and powerpoint lectures to review.  During those I learned the basic interview and evidence collection process, watched a couple of fake patients from the exam to the courtroom to learn the process, and watches stories (good and bad) that real life sexual assault victims had.  Of course there were also the lectures on STD's, drug facilitated assault, and how to work with special populations in these cases. 

Then I had 3 days of class up at the UofU .  We had a lot of cool guest speakers the first 2 days.  On was a social worker from the Rape and Domestic Violence Crisis center.  She was excellent as she reviewed the different healing approaches the center uses.  One that she had us do was create a sensory box....basically you list different things that can give you comfort and hope related to each sense.  As cheesy as it sounds I have already used that list in my life and it really helps.  I think when you are in a "crisis" situation you are too overwhelmed to think about what helps and having the list or a box of actual stuff already made is really helpful.

Another speaker we had was a man who works with the perpetrators in a rehab setting.  Most of the class found this super disturbing but I thought it was really interesting.  Guess that is just the sociologist in me coming out.  I took a lot of classes in college about social problems, juvenile deliquency, and criminal law, where we spent a lot of time trying to understand why some people do the things they do.  We talked to the Officer in charge of the SL SVU, Gary Trask, who is 6'10'' to learn how we as nurses can help the investigators and what their different roles are.  Then it was lawyer time where a girl from the DA's office talked to us about testifying in court (the part that scares me the most) and then a defense attorney, Greg Skordas (I should say very infamous def. attorney) talked to us.  Greg was awesome and it's not a surprise he is probably the best defense in the state (I guess that is the sociologist in me again...I shouldn't like the defense, but really it's not my job as the nurse examiner to pick a side.  I am an expert witness stating what I found in my exam).  We had an awesome guy who works with the Victim Advocates teach us a lot about advocating for the patient and about drug facilitated rapes on college campus.

Day 3 was all about identifying and documenting injuries.  Let's just say I got to play with some nice cameras that day.  Won't get into the nitty gritty private details!

So what it comes down too....apply for the job at SLSANE or not?  It's an on-call position that pays well, is pretty competative, with a 2 year committment.  Something to think about for sure.  But I'm proud I got it done.  It was on my 11 for 11 list and now I can cross it off.

this one time...

As school is starting up and life continues to move forward, I just remembered that in May of 2006 I graduated from Utah State University.  Holy cow, it's been 5 years!  It doesn't feel close to five years (probably because I lived up there until April 2008).

I miss a lot about my time up there, not necessarily the tests and papers, but a lot of everything else.

Here are some pictures from my "senior" year as a sociology student at USU:

My roommate Elise and I graduating in Sociology together.

I was secretary for the diversity committee ASUSU...here with Jenn, Spencer, Varuna, and Josh.

At the WAC tourney in Reno with Jilaine, LaDawn, and David on a stick.

Here is a blog post I wrote about graduation on May 1, 2006:
"Few can foresee whither their road will lead them, till they come to its end." -JRR Tolkien

I've been thinking about what I have learned in college. I graduate from USU in 5 days, and am reflecting on the past 5 years at this fantastic institution. Here is a list of some things I have learned... 1. Everything happens for a reason.
2. Affect positive change--everything you do makes some sort of difference.
3. Don't assume anything--you are probably wrong.
4. We are free to choose.
5. Everyone has something to offer, it just takes some effort to see what it is, but it is worth finding out.
6. The interactions people have with one another can dramatically affect their lives for good or bad.
7. All you need is love.
8. I love the "spot where the sagebrush grows."
9. Everyone has something in common that can bring them together....like aggie basketball!!
10. I've learned how to predict, explain, and describe
11. History repeats itself.
12. The human body is fragile and absolutely magnificent.
13. Hate is a powerful force of destructions that has destroyed generations, and mutates everything it comes in contact with.
14. I may appear productive, but I do things as quick as possible to be lazy longer.
15. Groups of people working for the same cause, influence the world.
16. I love 80's rock
17. Addiction is a powerful tool of destruction.
18. You can still have fun when it has been -20 degrees for 2 weeks...it just takes some effort.


All of those lessons still ring true, and GO AGGIES!

ps.  I decided for fun to just play music from 2005-2006 on my playlist....some of the fun music that has come up:  "The Adventure" by Angels & Airwaves, "Breathe (2 A.M.)" by Anna Nalick, "Move Along" by All-American Rejects, "Ridin" by Chamillionaire, "Hate Me" by Blue October, "Show Me The Money" by Petey Pablo (from Step Up), and the movie soundtrack to RENT...flashback!

it's a brand new year

-So maybe I am a little morbid or maybe I really am just a sociologist but my favorite news article of the year came out last week.  See, it's the one that recounts all of the homicides, police involved shootings, etc in Utah for the previous year.  Here is a link to the article in case any one is curious...

-I have been feeling the need for something new, something to shake up my world a little.  I found this fun new challenge on a couple of blogs and have decided to give it a whirl.  It's called New 52.  The basic idea is to try and do something that is new and different every week, take a picture/write a blog about it.  I think I will at least blog and picture it and then create a mini book at the end of the year.  I'll post about my first 2 weeks in a couple days.

-On New Years Day I went out with the girls from work for a pedi and lunch at Gepetto's.  Delightful.  I had a turkey sandwhich on sourdough garnished with fresh cranberry relish mixed with cream cheese and fresh basil.  yum.

“The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”   -Mitch Albom

I believe in a lot of things.  I believe that to get meaning in your life you need to create and love and serve (the great use of life is to spend it on something that will outlast it-James Adams).  I believe in saving sex until after marriage, that smoking, drinking, and doing drugs are dangerous and unhealthy habits that lead to addictive behaviors.  I believe that marriage is sacred and should be done right, I believe that if we keep pulling Left or Right we will never move forward as a nation.  I believe that most video games are a waste of time, "crucio" is latin for country music, golf is boring, the aggies are some of my most favorite people in the world, and peas are disgusting.  I believe that as Americans and as a member of the human race we have the fundamental right to believe in what we want and to express those beliefs no matter if they are with the majority or not. 

I do not believe that I have the right to hate or even dislike people who disagree with me.  I love people and if your beliefs do not line up with mine that is okay.  This is a controversial world we live in with many degrees of opinions on many different things and while that can be hard and misunderstood, it is also what makes it so great. 

*I recognize that this is potentially a moral and ethical slippery slope. 

My point is that while I believe people have the right to their beliefs/opinions

and I don't have the right to be prejudice against them,

one doesn't have to believe that  those beliefs/opinions are right.

I spend a lot of time not owning up to emotion. I push it away, ignore it, save it for later, etc. just too busy to deal with it.

2 things that ripped it all wide open:

1. Reading the book Push by Sapphire (the one Precious the movie is based on). horrifying and intriguing, it is a Go Ask Alice twin. I don't think I will see the movie or even read it again, but I am glad I read it once, sometimes you need something harrowing to snap you back to reality and force you to realize how good your life really is.

2. A man in my home ward suddenly passed away yesterday. I didn't really know him well...when I was really little I have distinct memories of him playing with me in the foyer at church and even babysitting once (he is 20+ years older than I am). Later he married and moved back into the ward and I am just a mere aquaintance with him and his wife, but I am feeling deeply saddened about the loss. It was early and tragic and undeserved.

So today I am owning some emotion.

True Colors

Today I had to go to a work related retreat. There we took the standard color personality test. Ever since I took that test in high school "careers class" I have been about 50/50 yellow and blue. Yellow is my high in personality strengths/weaknesses and blue more of my social situation self (which is interesting because yellow people are the social ones).

Here are some very true things about me derived from this quiz...

Yellow strengths: I love to volunteer for opportunities, I see life as an experience to be enjoyed, I generally think quickly on my feet, easy to converse with and comfortable with people, "Superb at superficial conversation" (thought that was interesting). I appreciate and live for the present (no day but today). As a career person I break up the monotony of the work world (I hope so). And as a friend/companion I hope I am entertaining, endearing, and promote romance with a creative flair, lol.

a few Careers good for yellows: firefighter, travel agent

Yellow's limitations: I can be self-centered, unwilling to experience pain to produce quality, undisciplined--especially in committing to goals, omits unpleasant truths, unsympathetic about depression in others (really trying to fix this one...it's getting better), can be overly dramatic, talks too much about everything and nothing (when I'm nervous this is true). As a career person I resent authority and can be difiant of leaders.

Blue Strengths: I appreciate detail, stable and dependable, deep sense of purpose, able to enjoy sensitive and deep conversation. As a career person I strive to be an excellent behind-the-scenes worker. As a friend/companion I am loyal, have genuine concern for others well-being, remember birthday's and special holidays, values and places high priority on intimacy.

a few Careers for Blues: Teacher, Nurse, Homemaker

Blue's limitations: i am perfectionist, have intense opinions on many issues, expects others to read my mind/know my feelings (I do have a problem with seemingly inconsiderate people--key word seemingly). In my career I feel inadequate with natural talents, overextends self at times. As a friend I feel rejected easily , can get revengeful and bitter if crossed, wish friends would communicate more often.

I thought the careers were interesting because if you combine the 2 you have a nurse seeking action...to me that means ER nurse all the way :)

the CDC

For a lingering moment, I had considered a career working for the Center of Diease Control. I was not getting into nursing school and was just taking some random classes when Jarom and I decided to take Medical Sociology. Loved it. A big part of medical sociology was studying epidemiology. I thought to myself, "How cool is that? traveling all over the world studying new and upcoming disease outbreaks and using a nifty grid system to figure out the who/what/where/hows." I could graduate in Sociology, intern in Atlanta (Welcome to atlanta where the players play..) and then be a medical sleuth of sorts. Well I almost did that. I did graduate in Sociology but on the way I fell in love with Juvenile Delinquency and Social problems. Oh well.

Right now with the outbreak of Swine Flu I kind of wish I had stuck the the CDC dream. Some facts about Swine Flu the public needs to recognize...

It is pretty much exactly like regular Influenza (the kind you can get a flu shot for). People who are older are less likely to catch it and DIE from it because they have been exposed to a lot of different flu viruses throughout the years and have built up immunity.

Thank you Park City School District for creating hysteria by closing the school as a precaution. PEOPLE LOOK AT THE FACTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There have only been 7, I repeat SEVEN actual deaths that were for sure caused by Swine Flu exactly in MEXICO, much less only the 1 that was probable in TX. Yes if you have persistant flu like symptoms you should seek help, but do not flood your hospital ED with every little thing just in case.

Get educated here and here.

and Obama did not cause Swine Flu.

insomniac

Benjamin Franklin once said something like, "either write something worth reading, or do something worth writing about." I tend to do something worth scrapbooking my self, but since I'm on this self discovery kick I am attempting to write in hopes that it will not only become something worth reading, but will help me gain a better understanding of why I am the way I am.

For example I once came to the realization that I am a little OCD about everyone getting a fair share when it comes to food. I actually came to this realization 10 or so years ago, but it wasn't until recently that I knew why...when I was a kid we had a tape with various Mickey Mouse cartoons on it. One of these cartoons involved Mickey, Goofy, and Donald taking a trip with a trailer attatched to a truck. Goofy was driving and Mickey was preparing the food. When he called for everyone to come eat, Goofy left his driving post and went to eat. The problem was everytime he went to take a bite they would hit a bump, a drawer would open, etc...and he never got any food. As a kid I thought my dad probably felt that way when he got home from work because there was no afternoon snack saved for him. This made me sad and thus I made it a quest to make sure everyone got some. I know random right?

Anyway some things that I have thought in the middle of the night during a recent insomnia streak...
1. "it's a silent cry for help, but it's only silent because no one bothers to listen."
2. I wish some guys would get over themselves. Meaning, it is ok for us to hang out as friends. I am not obsessively in love with you. I will not think that because you actually took the time to be the friend you said you were that you are suddenly in love with me. Get over yourself and stop being conceited.
3. As a country we need a change. That change is not going to come by the political process, it is going to come when people become humanitarians, not just humans. that natural man thing will kill ya everytime.
4. Hi, my name is Jill and I'm an addict. Today I feel dissapointed with myself because of my dissapointment with others.
5. I know thousands of people and believe that every single one has made a difference in my life. I hope I have been able to make a difference in at least one of theirs.
6. I like to sleep with my kitten and puppy because they will actually sleep together, and they like to cuddle.
7. there isn't a rewind button boy, so I better just breathe.

My Psychotic "break"

This weekend I had the opportunity to work in a facility for clinicals, in which I worked with people who were not guilty by reasons of insanity. It was an interesting and almost overwhelming experience. As part of this clinical rotation we completed a schizo voices experiment where we listened to "voices" while completing tasks. I did pretty well, but the longer I listened the flatter my affect became and the harder it was to respond appropriately.

Some voices were pleasent and others were irrational. Some weren't distinct voices but just ongoing abnormal noises. I found myself thinking about what the voices were talking about, feeling guilty for things they said I did, or the way I interpreted them. In order to ignore the voices I exhibited a thought disorder of "concrete thinking" in which you state, almost just state the obvious I guess, because you don't have the time or energy to think deeply. The experience was emotionally draining, leaving me physically tired. It was a positive experience though because I can now appreciate how difficult living with voices and thought disorders can be. I can understand why some people don't get treatment, others do well with treatment, and others don't respond to treatment at all. Hearing voices and believing them to be real, or even to recognize that they aren't but you come to believe them anyway...I'm lucky really that this was my psychotic "break."

harder, faster, better, stronger

I have been a little overwhelmed as of late. I work too much and go to school to much and watch tv too much and facebook too much and eat too much and sleep too much... So i suppose it is my own fault I am feeling overwhelmed, but at least I'm willing to blame myself. Now to make a positive change.

It is Sunday night and I am procrastinating studying for my mental health nursing exam I have tomorrow afternoon. I have practiced a lot of nursing in the past few days and want a break so I am taking tonight off from studying. Last Wednesday I had clinical on the cardiovascular floor of a hospital. I saw some cool chest wounds, and learned a lot about anasarca and renal failure that day. Thursday I had the opportunity to teach my roommate's kindergarten class about washing your hands and practicing good hygiene. It was interesting to observe how innocent some kids are and how others are growing up way too fast. My favorite was a little girl who wanted to be a detective and an artist when she grew up. making sure to point out that she would wash her hands in between jobs because they are both kind of messy. Then I headed to one of my jobs. I became a bar-tender for one patient who deserved a drink after the news he got. I spent a lot of time that day working on therapeutic communication...my mental health teacher would be proud. In school you are taught techniques that are supposed to help you and the patient cope, understand one another, and facilitate appropriate behaviors during tx. But I learned that shift that you can use broad openings, use silence when needed, or offer self...but when it really comes down to it all they want to hear is, "you know what? This whole situation really sucks, and I'm sorry" because it does suck. It really does.

Friday I spent the day working with a counselor in a chemical dependence unit. "Hi my name is jill, and I am a nursing student. I feel calm." What I really should have said was, "Hey. I'm jill and I am an addict. I feel worn out." I learned several valuable lessons that day. First is that it all starts with a trigger, which is either d/t one of the 5 senses, or euphoric recall, or the bodies physical need. The trigger stimulates the craving, which seems severe, even to the point where you believe nothing could be worse than not satisfying it, but really only lasts 3-5 minutes. As this craving cycles it self it in turn stimulates an urge. This is the breaking point. If you cave into the urge you will fall into the desire and satisfy your "craving" if not you will mentally walk away from the situation and be fine. So what causes people to break through that step, and smoke the joint, or have the sex, shoot up, eat that extra gallon of ice cream, have another drink? a mental blank state of mind. It's almost like splitting personalities. You try to remind your self you will regret it, feel like crap, and then you are doing it, not even recognizing it until you are done. This is where I learned the second valuable lesson. What do you do during that blank spot? You pray. You become honest with yourself. You take charge, and then you walk away. This too shall pass. being honest with yourself is what makes the difference in rehab. All of the alcoholics and addicts there looked just like everyone else...not like they belonged there, and they were so refreshing with their honesty. I guess because they have nothing to hide. Hiding is what got them there in the first place. Why do we hide? That is the question I've been asking myself ever since I completed my shift on the unit.

Saturday started out bright and early at my other job. I had little patients for the continual calling out my patients were doing (see the previous entry for an example). I took off around noon, grabbed a nap and headed to the ICU of a hospital for a noc clinical. It started out with a code, and then it was SLOW. I was grateful because I was so tired, but I wished I could have practiced some skills. I did realize 2 things about this profession that night though. 1. Everyone shamelessly makes fun of each other, and there is always that one doctor or nurse on the unit. 2. Everyone shamelessly flirts with each other, no matter of marital status. I think it's personality trait related, but I have noticed this throughout all of my medically related jobs.

p.s. If you are worried about the addict comment, please see paragraph one.

Favorite music video of the day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cva_sGN_0VA

so this is life

Here I am at Utah State, with awesome roommates, fantastic neighbors, a ton of friends, a great ward, and our wonderful Aggie BB team...yes, life is good. School is still not my most favorite thing I could be doing, but I do enjoy the classes I am currently enrolled in. So much for Nursing school at the moment. Sociology is treating me well, and I especially like my Juvenile Delinquency class. Delinquency, deviance, drugs, abnormal psychology, all fascinate me...probably because I have never, and don't plan on ever, being involved. I will stick to the the treatment side of it. I miss studying medicine a little, but my 25 patients keep me busy enough not to completely miss it. And miracle of miracles, we exceeded 10 degrees in Logan today! It is about time.